Credited to http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes
A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
Mr. and Mrs.
Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was
named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid
while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business
began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started
looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked,
"What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied.
"What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own
Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for
trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
A: It's okay. He woke up.
There was an
elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful,
so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should
start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady
told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write
it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you
want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of
ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and
again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with
whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with
whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her
husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream
with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream
and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out
to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the
plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the
toast?"
Student: "My father's check book!"
A: "Breathe, stupid!"
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
A: Don't worry he's "ALRIGHT" now!
Teacher: "What is the chemical formula for water?"
Student: "HIJKLMNO."
Teacher: "What are you talking about?"
Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"
Q: What do computers eat for a snack?
A: Microchips!
A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer. "Nope," replied the man. "OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer. "But it's only $500," replied the man. "Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, "Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo." The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman. The policeman said, "Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!" The boy answered, "I did! Today I'm taking him to the cinema."
A: They log in.
Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change it and another one to change it back again.
A: "You're too young to smoke."
If a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
A mom and a son come home from the grocery store. The boy immediately empties out a box of animal crackers and the mom asks him why. The boy says, "You should not eat it if the seal is broken, so I'm looking for the seal."
A: Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake.
A: A telephone book.
A: A stamp.
Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A: Because they don't know the words.
One
day a duck walks in a store and ask the manager if they sell grapes. The
manager says, "No, we don't sell grapes." The duck goes home and
comes back the next day and asks the same question. The manager says the same
thing again, "No, we do not sell grapes." The duck goes home, comes
back the next day, and asks the manager if they sell grapes. This time the
manager says, "No, we don't sell grapes! If you ask one more time, I will
nail your beak to the floor!" The duck goes home. It comes back the next
day and asks the manager if he has any nails. The manager says, "No, I
don't have any nails." The duck says, "Okay, good. Do you sell
grapes?"
A man was walking down the street and saw a sign in a store window that said "Help Wanted," so the man ran in the store and yelled out, "What's wrong?!"
A: Because it's sitting in the AC.
Old
Man: "Are you the young fellow who sold me this tube yesterday and told me
it was toothpaste?"
Clerk: "Yes sir."
Old Man: "Well, I tried for half an hour this morning and I couldn't get my teeth to stick in."
Clerk: "Yes sir."
Old Man: "Well, I tried for half an hour this morning and I couldn't get my teeth to stick in."
